So much to say, but how to say it...

I had a good day yesterday. It was a relief, actually - you get to this point of the year and start *expecting* bad days instead of good ones, so anything good is a pleasant surprise. But mostly, yesterday was great.

Relaxed all morning...read Lord of the Rings and ignored my homework...did some flute practise though...then went out...bought some hackysacks for presents (and ended up juggling them...but we'll get to that) and a raspberry rush smoothie - yum - and took the train into the city. Met up with the Melbourne TIG team (those who could make it) and we wandered on over to Michelle's college, where we made copious use of the whiteboard, juggled hackysacks (see, told you we'd get to it! :) ) and discussed our projects, goals, dreams, ideas, and sorted about 500 business cards, attempting to find a keynote speaker for the forum (currently our largest project. more info when we have it!). We then went for coffee and discussed many things...specifically eating habits (is it sensible to eat nothing but fruit, grains, vegetables and water? and why?) New York (regrets and missed opportunities) and whether I could finish half of everybody else's food (No!). I was an hour late home, ran for the shower, got dressed up in no time flat and still had 20 minutes schmoozing time with the people at our party before heading out the door to waitress down the street at their party.

While I think of it...

Things NOT to do when doing the waitress thing:

- when someone hands you their glass and asks for white wine, don't just pour it into the glass. Check what kind of glass it is first! I poured wine into a beer glass...which had had beer in it...and they laughed at me...I was embarrassed. It wasn't good. But in retrospect, it was funny!

- Forget the pumpkin soup. It almost bubbled over, and it splashed all over the cooktop. This really bitchy guest pointed it out to me...she was mean...it was her beer glass...*lol* ;)

- Drop one of the individual cheesecakes with strawberries and kiwi fruit garnishes head-first on the floor. The real hostess did that. Luckily - guess what - that one was going to be mine! (She had had one extra.)

And I forgot to have dinner, so I sort of ... nibbled...as the night went on...luckily the TIG people had plied me with afternoon tea food when we went for coffee or I would've been starving! :)

If anyone would like to add their waitressing/waitering don'ts in the comments, do! It'd be funny...

Anyhow, so to cut an already long story short, I worked my butt off and they underpaid me (not impressed!) but it was good experience. Besides, I'm their babysitter, not their waitress really. Got home at 11, expecting my parents' party to be almost over, and realised I could hear my mum singing from about ten metres away from our house...that was funny...she sounded fantastic though. She always does. So I went inside, and watched the other half of the video with them...didn't get to bed til 2am...woke up at 9...not so bad.

This update feels very long. I could put more stuff in, but by now everyone will have stopped reading anyway... ;) Ah well, it's adios for now.

(**Does anyone remember how they always used to say adios on Sesame Street? Just a pointless comment...I loved that show...Ernie and Bert...especially that song in the bathtub...and Ernie's trumpet...and the sheep...love the dancing sheep...anyway...I could write a whole update on this, but I won't...**)

What's been happening in my life...

I feel like I'm looking down the barrel of the oncoming train, so stunned by the lights and noise that I will forget to move and save myself from disaster...

Everything is coming up so quickly, and yet minutes take the same time as they always have, and time fritters itself away as if nothing was imperative...

I took yesterday off school, because I am getting sick.
I never get sick.
This is, therefore, a BAD SIGN.

However, today I am only here (school) for a chem test (done in first period - surprisingly well!) and a flute lesson. Other than that I'm working on the many overdue things that need to be finished, and attempting relaxation - a lot like what I did yesterday.

Tomorrow (Saturday! WOohoo!) we have a TIG Melbourne Team meeting :D at Michelle's college, which will be fun, and hopefully tres useful, and then I have to go home and out again to waitress/help out at my babysitting client's dinner party. I have no idea what she wants me to do, but feel sure that I am capable of doing it! (I have handled enough Tiernan family Christmasses, dinner parties, family reunions etc to know that I can wash dishes and act polite and deferential. I'm good at it ;) )
I might go see a movie on Sunday. If all my work is finished. (Ha. Ha Ha. Oh well...I can hope.) It would be nice to leave the house for a purely fun reason!

After this...I only have one week left. It's a scary and yet familiar thought. I have counted down the weeks of school left in term 4 every year of my life. This year...should really be no different. And then exams, and then I'm home free...two months of glorious relaxation! Summer! The beach! YAY!

Oh, and one other thing, before I move on to the ecstasy of holidays - this friday (so, in a week's time) I have the audition for Guys and Dolls. I had better not still be sick, or I will be most unimpressed!!
Ah well - I had ten hours sleep last night! If I keep that up, I should be fine in no time.

PS. If anyone wants to cheer themselves up, any time, go read a Graeme Base book. The poetry alone is sublime, and the pictures are fantastic - they're so fun! Or just eat chocolate ;) that's always good.

Everything is due in the next eight working days.
I get up, go to school, work, get home, work some more, work, work, work workworkworkworkworkwork....
I am going crazy.
God knows how I'll cope next year, when the pressure is REALLY on...
If I weren't such an enormous perfectionist, things might be slightly easier - but it's all about principles. My principles. (Never make things easy on oneself. That would be a crime.) Right.
Stress is evil and life is only slightly less so, at least at the moment - and whose idea was it to have the end of year exams at the beginning of summer? Honestly, it's the most beautiful time of year and they have to wreck it by making us sit inside and attempt to focus on exams!! Say what!!?
Ah well...
I should really cease venting and spend this time doing valuable work...

See what I mean!

Last night was like I said it would be. I don't even cry that much at weddings!(and I am a cry-at-weddings person. I take after my mum. I cried in Bicentennial Man for pete's sake - even the third time I'd seen it! :) but I cried a lot last night.
I cried when one of my best friends was awarded head prefect (like school captaincy) - we've all known since Year 7 that she'd make it, and I was so incredibly proud and happy for her.
I cried when the entire Senior School sang a song written by another one of my friends called "Make us fly"...
I cried when the Year 12s all got up and sexy danced on stage (not individually - co-ordinated!) wearing red flowers in their hair and looking so thrilled...
And I cried when the entire Year 12 body got up on stage and sang 'Dare to Dream'...their final song...they're so amazing...
I couldn't see straight.
But they were happy tears, all through the night and afterwards. Even when I got home, I was so emotional...funny that I cared so much about others leaving, and I believe next year it will not be nearly so heartbreaking. At least, not in the same way.

Kim. Elissa. Biffy. Mel. Nikki M. Nikki K. Jackie. Georgie. Marissa. Lise. Laura. Emma. Celia. Everybody else... and *especially* Catherine...

You guys have been there all along.
My life will not be the same without you.

This is another song...it occurs to me that this is becoming a regular music-y page...funny, cause normally I don't listen to this kind of music. Maybe that's it. These updates are documenting my music taste change :) ! Speaking of which, the Corrs were AWESOME. Unbelievable...we had a fantastic time...even though afterwards we stood around in the wet cold at midnight waiting to be picked up - legs and feet hurt from heels - owch factor large. And those were my comfortable shoes! Oh well. That's what happens when you shop in melbourne! :) It's good though. Back to the song...

magic - ben folds five

from the back of her big brown eyes
I knew you'd be gone as soon as you could
and I hoped you would
we could see that you weren't yourself
in the lines on your face
did tell us just as well
you'd never be yourself again
saw you last night
danced by the light of the moon
stars in your eyes
free from the life
that you knew

you're the magic that holds the sky up from the ground
you're the breath that blows these cool winds round
trading places with an angel now

saw you last night
danced by the light of the moon
stars in your eyes
free from the life
that you knew
saw you last night
stars in the sky
smiled in my room


That one is really worth downloading and listening to...I like it anyway. Obviously :) It reminds me of somebody.

Speech night is tonight.
I will cry, even though I don't want to.
It's the end of something special...
and I will miss my friends so much. Those who are leaving...man. And I know we won't keep in touch. Even if we said we would, we wouldn't. So...it will be an event.

I will stand with my best friend, and hold her hand, and wish that we were ten again. And even while I wish, I will appreciate the journey, the giant leaps and fairy steps that we have taken, always together, even when we didn't know it. the changes and the continuities...I would never have anticipated where we are at now, and I know that the next year is equally uncertain. I just hope that it is also equally worthwhile and beautiful.

Some things in life are special.

My life in fast forward...if the next month of my life were a movie, that would be it's working title. So much to do, so much happening...all the big events and end results, the pressure and pain and promise, come together in this time. And I cannot imagine it otherwise, cannot see my days in colours other than these, other than silver and green, copper and bronze and blue. Taupe and beige and chocolate and tan, black and white and grassy green check. Bricks and slate, bark, sky blue, concrete grey.

I can't imagine leaving.

But I know that the next year will be just as much in fast forward as the next month, and even tonight. That as the distance between now and my tears this time last year seems minute and as nothing, so will it be in a year's time, when it is not my friends who are leaving, but myself. And that is why I will cry tonight.

Not simply or solely to express sadness, but also my fear and my joy, anxiety and love and that sense of unity and the feelings that have come with the passing of time that tell me how this has been, in a very strange sense, my home. These people are my home.

And it won't be the same without them here.

Tonight...
I'm watching 'Guys and Dolls' (the video) with my mum. Nice.
Tomorrow...
Going shopping in the city. No school!
Tomorrow night...
Going to see the Corrs! It was a surprise...I only found out tonight...my friend's godmother cancelled on her, so I get to go! I'm excited...
This weekend...
Have good babysitting job and lecture for History :) Should be fun.
Soon...
I'm auditioning for Guys and Dolls! It's really happening...
And even if it doesn't happen, at least I have had the opportunity. The chance. (Again.)
Just...the last time was so good. I have the runs on the board. It is possible. Even hopeful.

So...
I'll keep you posted!

These are my musings, timewarped forwards from two weeks ago. The result of an hours-long conversation in a park, walking around each other forming figure eights and pondering our existence so blatantly and openly that I did begin to wonder whether I really existed after all. As the sky deepened and deepened and I lost myself somewhere in between the air, and the sky, and my copper-coloured toenails in between my new sandals that matched, I lost my thoughts as well, only to find them again during an incredibly boring french class.
And I thought they were important.
So here they are.

Although, as you say, my life may mean nothing
A tiny mass of atoms, molecules
Spinning through space with no reason
No logic
Just
Being...
I would choose not to think so.

If I had the choice
I would know that I meant something
That I had a purpose
That there is a place where I am meant to be
And that I am there
Fulfilling that purpose
That dream that is my life
Right now
This instant
Today

My walk in life is filled with light and shade
I know this.
I may generate that light or shade at any given moment
I know this.
This - this is my choice.
How do I use my talents, my personality - myself
To make a change
To shine, that others may see
And accordingly, make their own choice.

To have enlightened the life of one single person
Made that change
For a single moment
That they might see more clearly
Their direction, their place
Is to have a true purpose

So...
Although I MAY BE
Simply nothing
Without a reason
Lacking in purpose
Or even a vision for my future
If I can believe that I bring
True happiness
Direction
To just one person
Bring knowledge
And purpose
And freedom...

That
Is what makes my querulous uncertain existence
Truly worthwhile.

I have stopped writing melancholic poetry ~
(NB - just a funny point - two of my friends argued over whether that word - melancholic - had a right to exist - for six months!! And the one who lost still doesn't admit to it's existence...lol. Yes Jose, that's Doig and Deb for you!!)
~ and gotten things slightly more under control.
I think handing some evil Chem assignments in helped considerably - although I still have bucketloads to do this weekend.

All the other dramas of my life have been successfully stored on the backburner of my brain until I have the space/time/mental health to deal with them! Hopefully soon, or they'll start to bank up again...

Ahh, the joys of a free period. Actually, this isn't really a free period. I'm supposed to be in Chem *insert Darth Vader theme* but Chem was cancelled due to a Year 12 Prize Assembly. As I have not enough time on my hands to effectively waste this period in sitting down and clapping for an hour and a half, I took myself, my computer, my flute and my music to the beautiful music building of our school and have settled down to do some extremely effective flute practice. (Except I got distracted. But that's ok.)
I'd better get back to it. Exam in less than a month... :) !!

And just a note for those wondering about the relevancy of the headline - seeing as I'm typing, too! - playing flute takes as much strength as lifting weights, and more stamina, cause you don't get to put it down while you're playing! You try holding a solid silver flute at mouth level for 15 minutes straight...fun, but tiring!

When everything is out of control
I wish to control something
One thing
Even if it is just
So that I can feel that I make a difference in my life

Can't bring myself to change a thing
For I know in my heart
That there is nothing I can change
Everything relies on something else
Until, in the end
The vicious spiral fades away
Into a general nauseating whirlpool of discontent and worry...

Yesterday.
Yesterday was not such a good day.
I was going to write an update on it at the time, but then I got caught in the Melbourne Team email frenzy, and talking to a couple of friends, and didn't.
So I'm writing one now.

When I got home from school yesterday, with a very sore back/neck/head and a pile of homework that I had no intention of doing, I did what I normally do: shrug off my blazer, make myself some toast, or possibly have some yoghurt, read the paper for a bit, then go upstairs to my room. Attempted to access the net. Not working. Not happy.
So I put some music on and did nothing for a while, until I heard strange noises from downstairs. I went to investigate.

My mother had just run out of the house, my brother was desperately searching for a cardboard box and towels, and my other brother, my sister and my dad - and I - were all trying to figure out what was going on. So I followed my mother out into the street - well, I tried. She was long gone, but I managed to find her about 50m away...by the side of the road with my cat.
Which had been run over.
And was lying still, way too still, in the gutter.

She was never really my cat. My mother bought her for me, a surprise in a cardboard box, waiting on my bed when I returned from Year 8 camp (which was possibly my worst camp week ever - and that's saying something).
Sitting there looking up at me, all rich blue eyes and huge ears, that dwarfed the rest of her to the extent that I seriously considered, for a time, calling her Fledermaus.
But I didn't.
I called her Sapphire, for her eyes, and swore I wouldn't shorten it.
But we did, we all did, and she was Saphhy.
And it suited her to a T.

She was a problem cat.
She never liked me...she ignored me for the first few years of her life, while she urinated on our chintz couches and made the most appauling noise at anything out of the ordinary...even just wanting to be fed, or the preparation of dinner. We realised why they call it caterwauling.

She broke a leg, stuck in a tree, and she had to have two operations and a pin in her leg...She would wander around our house, limping and shorn, looking pathetic.

She ran away from me whenever I tried to pat her. After a while I gave up.

And then she decided she liked me, and started to sleep on my bed in the mornings, - I hoped not completely because my room is the warmest in our house. She would be there on my feet when I woke up, stretching, yawning.

That was about a month ago.

So,in a sense I'm mourning a relationship - with a cat - that I never had. Because Sapphy's spinal cord was broken, yesterday afternoon, and we had to have her put to sleep.

I wasn't there. I didn't see it. I was at home, being a responsible older sister and cooking the dinner for six people that no-one ate. Tidying up our family room, and turning all the lights on as it got dark, and explaining to my little brother and sister, who are nine years old, what had happened.

I was supposed to cry. I didn't. I was supposed to act upset. I didn't.

Not until I got to my room, after the dinner that wasn't, and thought about the person I used to know who committed suicide on the weekend, and my so-called future, and my parents, and how lonely I felt. And my cat. Sapphy.

Everybody has bad days sometimes.